I have sat down to write this post about 5 or 6 times now over the last few weeks. Once, it was going to be about the kids. Then the Moncton shooter happened and I was going to blog about those emotions. Baby was fussy when I went to write, so they never happened. Then I was going to write about how happy life is, then I found out that my old friend’s 24 year old daughter died unexpectedly, no one knows why. THEN I was going to write about how time always seems to slip away, then today my eldest had issues and my brain feels like it is nothing but mush. Yet, here I am, plugging at my keyboard because it feels good.
I need intelligent things to do. I need to work on my sudoku puzzles, I need to game, I need to study up on Druidry, I need to re-learn much of what I have forgotten from my university years (I have held on to my text for a reason). I want to learn many languages; Welsh (my father was the first in his family born in Canada from Wales), Spanish, German, Mandarin, Arabic, etc. It’s nice to dream big, but disappointing when the dreams fail to materialize.
You see about 4 or 5 years ago my memory got bad (terrible grammar I am sure). I split from my husband seven years ago and had been under a lot of stress (understatement). It didn’t hit me at once, it crept up on me. I hadn’t really known anything about MS before my flare up. I’d heard the words, multiple sclerosis, heard that it could be devastating. I didn’t know what it was though. 3 months of right side numbness, l’Hermitte’s syndrome, and my blogging brain fog and I finally got to see a neurologist. My doctor had a wonderful bedside manner. I remember telling him that I felt like a fake since that very morning I woke up feeling great! “That’s how MS works,” he said.
I’ve had 3 or 4 MRIs, my scaring hasn’t changed since that first (and only so far!) flare up. I am one of the lucky ones. My lesions have not changed, my MS is mild.
I’ve been under a lot of stress again. My 14 and 12 year olds are going through a lot of life events that most should not. I had a baby 5 months ago. I am not nearly as active as I should be or as I want to be. My brain fog is draining. I want to feel intelligent. I want to remember. I quite literally can’t. It’s depressing sometimes. BUT there is always a silver lining. I have beautiful children, a loving partner, and I am ALIVE.
What more could I ask for? Well, maybe a bit more money…but that’s another story.