Darkness

“Whoever fights monsters should see to it that in the process he does not become a monster. And if you gaze long enough into an abyss, the abyss will gaze back into you.” ― Friedrich Nietzsche

Mental illness is a funny thing. One minute you are on top of the world and the next – the world is on top of you.

I’ve not posted this week till now, I know. I’m exhausted, not getting sleep. I’ve a ton of work to do. But I’m also 99% sure I am very depressed. I don’t want to type, I don’t want to drive, I don’t want to game, I don’t want to read, I just want to sleep.

The negative thoughts have invaded and their beastly claws have dug in for the fight.

I had to pull off the road on my way home last night from work. I tried calling my husband. He was on his way to his work and didn’t get my call.

Sometimes, the negative outweighs all the shinnies. I feel useless, pathetic, fat, ugly. I feel like I’m only good as a milk source for my youngest, money for my two eldest, and not much of anything for my husband.

I’m not much of anything to anyone.

The weight is heavy on my shoulders, chest. It won’t slough off.

People who have never experienced this thinks you can just draw up some positive thinking and swipe it away…it’s NOT that easy and I am sick to death of people telling me it’s all in my head. Is my MS in my head? Are my allergies in my head? My asthma? No they aren’t, and all three are known to cause plenty of issues.

I’m not a fucking cheerleader. I am not going to be plucky and happy 24/7. I feel like the world is crumbling apart. Next week, I may be that fucking cheerleader again – smiling away, happy…

Why do I write this? Because someone out there may feel like me and it may help them to know they are NOT alone, that they are not the only one struggling.

It’s so lonely.

Type O Negative – Black No.1

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About NB Gwen

I'm me, I work, I play, I'm a bit unique - but I guess that's all in perspective
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