Silence

“Out beyond ideas of wrongdoing
and rightdoing there is a field.
I’ll meet you there.

When the soul lies down in that grass
the world is too full to talk about.”
Jalaluddin Rumi

Sometimes, the silence is too loud.

Sometimes, the silence is a clatter in my mind. It deafens my spirit.

Sometimes, the silence is too much and the noise of life can’t be heard through the din of silence.

I’ve had a lot of ups and downs over the last few weeks. Some of my own doing, well, most really. I would like to think I control my emotional responses to that which occurs to me, but I know that thanks to my MS, that isn’t always the case.

I usually keep silent to what is my inner turmoil, allowing my husband brief glimpses of what is eating me inside out. My children sometimes see the aftermath – lack of patience, inability to focus on a conversation. Moodiness.

I try to hide it, but I’m not very good at hiding.

Sometimes it ekes out when I least expect it. At the start of a conversation, I just stand there with unfelt tears falling. It’s only when they cross the threshold of my cheeks do I realize I’ve started crying.

Mostly, I try to silence that part of it, burry deep inside and live in the now. But it weighs me down, anchors me into my seat until I feel as a statue – made of stone, incapable of movement.

The silence envelops me in those movements. The lack of movement stiffening my joints, dragging my body further and further down, into my chair that is. Breathing these days feels heavy, tight.

Then the music starts. My body wants to move, to live. My spirit shakes off the shackles of the silence.

The sounds of life filter in around me. They wrap around my frame in the warmth of sound. A blanket covering my body in a will to be.

The silence is no more.

Delerium – Silence feat. Sarah McLachlan

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About NB Gwen

I'm me, I work, I play, I'm a bit unique - but I guess that's all in perspective
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