No Rain

It’s Friday, the sun is rising earlier each day, the snow is melting, and for the first time in MONTHS I feel fucking good mentally.

I’m legitimately having a good mental health day. Why? No fucking clue! Russia invaded Ukraine (fuck you Putin), the world feels like it’s on fire, and somehow this North American (Canadian) chick is in a good place.

I’m exhausted, my lungs are not great, but my mind is happy. This is huge for me. I can’t even really explain it. Good days are rare, days where I want to smile and no have to force it. I’m considering asking my psychiatrist about going off my medications and do a reset of sorts. That thought scares me as I know how horrible my anxiety and depression can get. The hyper fixation on negative things, the self-harm thoughts, the paranoia. It’s horrible.

I’m pretty sure my depression started as situational. But then I was hammered with stress after stress until my body said enough. It triggered my MS, and I’ve had a doctor wonder if the lesions from my MS are on the areas that control anxiety and depression. This would make sense as it ramped up a lot after MS. Mind you, depression is a co-morbidity to any chronic illness. I also have ADHD, body dysmorphia and a few other fun things (pretty sure I’ve mentioned them all before, but I’m tired and can’t remember! hahaha oh my).

I cannot wait to get my hands dirty in my gardens (not an euphemism!), feel the soil, plant seeds, trim and water, care for all that grows. I even have milkweed to plant this year!

I can’t wait for the scent of petrichor on a morning breeze. Sunlight dappling through leaves. Gentle trickles of water. The song of birds all around.

My yard has become my oasis in the storm of life. I can’t wait to embrace it again.

Blind Melon – No Rain

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