“Downtown. Lights on buildings and everything that makes you wonder. And in that moment, I swear we were infinite.” ― Stephen Chbosky, The Perks of Being a Wallflower

I’m feeling particularly nostalgic the last (very long) while. Listening to Downtown by Macklemore & Ryan Lewis makes me reminisce of the past – driving in my old Pontiac Acadian (cherry red, 4 door, 5 speed hatchback – loved that fucking car), sun blinding me and those tiny sun visors doing nothing to stop it. The smell of beach air, friends talking, dancing, singing, laughing.

Summer Shine summarises a bit, but the essence…oh that essence

Summer Shine

I love that summer shine
you know it
The sun so hot
the grass so cool
you just want to sit
in the shade just right
under the willow
The clouds so high
and barely there
you wish you could dive
into the blue sky
so inviting in the day
When the night comes
the stars shimmer so clear
the moon kisses them
until they disappear
into another summer shine day
No breeze to fly a kite
the hum of insects
frogs croaking
birds chirping
today is the day
of that summer shine
The reflection off the lake
strikes the eyes
and makes you blind
to that child that splashes
the water on you
It freezes and feels so good
Tip toe over the hot road
feet in the sand
make it to the beach
When the summer shine ends
the bonfire full roars
at that full moon
They sing and dance
filling the night
with an intensity
until the next
summer shine

My hand holds an Alpine, it’s starting to get too warm, but I don’t care. Later, we’ll head down to the green downtown. We’ll hang out on a blanket, so much laughter peeling out from our lungs.

Driving with the windows down, the gas gauge is broken, but it doesn’t matter. We’re together. We’re innocent. We don’t have cell phones, we don’t have computers. It’s just us, my old Pontiac Acadian, laughter, love, friendship. That guy I have the crush on is there, I’m wayyyy too shy and anxious to act on my feelings. Butterflies are floating like crazy in my stomach. My friend teases me, but she knows. They just get me.

I have trauma in that innocence, but it’s grip is soft. I’ve constant friends about me…I’m lonely, but it’s a warm loneliness. I don’t worry as much, I don’t feel like I’m imposing by existing. I’m the driver in my life and it’s pretty damn good (why didn’t I see that then?).

Now, present day. I have a constant yearning in my soul. I can’t pick it out. I can’t identify it. Constant anxiety, worry for my kids, worry for my husband, worry about this world. I’m overwhelmed. I’d love to go downtown, sit on the green and just soak up the sun. I want to hold that memory in a steel trap and never let it out. The grip of trauma has grown so much stronger. I’m constantly raw by it’s chaffing hold. I’m just a breath away from seeing that moment, that crisp feeling of wholeness. It sits just out of my sight, barely in the shadows, waiting for the sunlight to wake it, move it.

The wonder that once filled me has dimmed in the lights of age, but I know I can find it again. I know it’s there.

Macklemore & Ryan Lewis – Downtown

Knowing me, Knowing you

“A friend is someone who knows all about you and still loves you.” Elbert Hubbard

“The only true wisdom is in knowing you know nothing.” Socrates

Life is so funny. One minute you think you know something, you are so sure of it. The next – you are rethinking your universe.

I’ve had this happen to me several times over the years. Big life changes do that to a person.

As you grow up and age, you look to the future, you wonder, you think, you think you know everything, until you realize you know nothing.

At 16, I couldn’t wait to get my license. I knew it all.

At 19, I couldn’t wait to go to an actual bar (I have always looked young for my age and could never get in under aged) and finish university. I wanted to be an archaeologist and looked forward to that day. I yearned to know more.

At 25, I was getting married and looking forward to having children. The dream of archaeology put aside. I knew nothing and was told so.

At 26, I had my first child. My life became all about her. I wanted and looked forward to making life better for all of us.

At 28, I adopted my second child. My life became more complicated and full of love for my children. I questioned everything about who I was and the universe around me. I knew nothing and was told so.

At 33, I became a single mother due to the breakdown of my marriage. I became a hermit, living for my children and questioning every move I made. I knew that I knew some things, but I had so much to learn.

At 34, I met the man who would be my future husband and couldn’t wait to know him better. He lived several hours away, and I carried on as a single parent. My children are and were my universe, but I still questioned everything. My ex-husband and I would divorce a few years later, I still have lingering issues from that part of my life.

At 37, my love moved in with us and I no longer was a single parent. I questioned myself a little less, knowing he loved my kids like his own.

At 39, I found out I was going to have another child. He was our accidentally on purpose baby – we didn’t think I could get pregnant, but we wanted to try. I had been diagnosed with a mild form of MS, and have asthma. I tend to get sick a lot. But the doctor and neurologist both agreed that I would be ok and they were right. It was easier than my first pregnancy and I questioned less; I only looked forward to his arrival.

At 40, well, three days after my 40th birthday my youngest was born. I questioned my sanity, and my abilities. He was so worth it all. That summer my husband and I married. I knew that I knew nothing…I still know this. Faith, life, love – all of it, a huge chasm of knowledge waiting.

Now, I am almost 42. My youngest is almost 2. My eldest will be 16 soon, my middle child just turned 14. Life is hectic, crazy sometimes, loving and angry, anxious and scared, but most of all, I know that I know very little about them all – about my children, about life. As I enter this stage in my life, I have so much left to learn and look forward to.

ABBA – Knowing Me, Knowing You