I forgot my meds

“A demonic reaper asked to be my valentine and then killed his crazy ex-girlfriend to save my life. Tomorrow I was starting up antipsychotic meds.” ― Courtney Allison Moulton, Wings of the Wicked

So…I have ADD and MS…and anxiety…and…and…

I chronically feel tired to exhausted while not being able to focus on a single thing and worrying that something, somewhere (involving me or not) is going wrong and IT’S ALL MY FAULT.

Most days, I am O.K.(ish). I take my medications that help me focus, stay awake, and not panic.

The kids were so off this morning. I totally fell out of routine.

UGH. Stupid routines. On missed step and the meds get forgotten.

Today is a weird day…I’m zoned out, sort of functional, and itchy (allergies to dust and no antihistamine in me = awesome dermographic itchy skin).

I’d almost think I was stoned except that the only drug I have had is caffeine and not nearly as much as I normally do since my stomach is saying a big fuck you to me…fun times.

Hours of Pain – Jump Around

A toothy matter

“A tooth is much more to be prized than a diamond.” – ― Miguel de Cervantes Saavedra, Don Quixote

First, let me start off by saying I am feeling MUCH better this week mentally.

Backstory time – I am overweight. I am positive I have mentioned this before. I have not always been overweight. Before I had my first child I was pretty small. Then I ballooned, almost literally – I swelled with her, had high blood pressure. I was ‘eating for two’. *facepalm*. It took me two or three years but I managed to lose almost ALL of the weight. I felt fucking fantastic.

Then I got separated.

Then I went through custody issues, divorce, teens, increased asthma, allergies and that oh so great MS diagnosis.

Needless to say – I gained weight.

When some people get stressed – they lose weight. Oh, not me. When I get stressed, I eat. I eat, I eat, and did I mention that I eat? You get the picture. Throw into that mix a completely fubared metabolism thanks to stress, MS, etc., and you get me. A very low self-esteem, 41 year old mom would dreams of being fit again.

This all snowballed a few weeks ago into desperation. I went on the It Works website and scanned around for their miracle weight loss products. Try not to laugh too hard. Please. I purchased three items. One I had used before – their It Works Greens…which are actually really good. I then purchased the Ultimate Thermofit and Formula FF.

I won’t go into details as to whether they work or not, or anything like that. What I can tell you is this – I am allergic to dandelions. One of these products contains…you guessed it…dandelions. I thought nothing of that simple ingredient (and maybe it wasn’t it, but I doubt it). Within a mere week of use I went from emotionally being not too bad, to verging on suicidal.

I won’t lie. I’m on a lot of medications and I hate 90% of them. The day after I stopped taking these two products, I started to improve. On the advice of my chiropractor (who is amazeballs) I started taking probiotics and adrenal support (Adrena Sense is the one I’m using). I feel so much better.

I DO NOT blame the product. I KNEW I was allergic to dandelions (although, to be fair, I did not see the ingredients until it arrived). It was possibly just the one item that caused the issues. I didn’t play with them to find out.

We have a smart TV with Gaiam TV. I’m going to do what I planned initially and start my day with yoga and end it with yoga. We have a gym in my building. I am paying my membership fee TODAY and starting to go Monday (I would go tomorrow but I’m using my lunch hour to help a friend). I am going tonight to buy a butt-load of groceries – a project I’ve been planning for months. Meal plans in the works, I always have a green smoothie in the morning (it’s a habit I love). Now for more healthy options and moving, moving, moving.

I don’t care about being skinny, I DO care about being healthy. I want to keep up with my 19 month old. I want to get off some of my medications if I can. I want to LIVE.

Now – about that toothy matter…and another reason for the post – a cracked tooth.

For about a month and a bit I’ve had odd tooth ache/jaw ache and couldn’t pinpoint the source. I finally broke down and saw my dentist last week. He couldn’t figure it out, but thought he saw something on the x-ray, and referred me to the specialist (Endodontist).

I saw the endodontist yesterday. I’m still in pain. He checked where I thought the pain was, then checked my upper molars. I never felt more like clocking someone. He uses a Q-tip sprayed with nitrogen (VERY COLD) to test the areas of your teeth. Pain shot from my tooth up through my sinus and into my forehead and down to the lower jaw…where I thought the pain originated.

October 6th I get to go in for a root canal for my cracked tooth (2 of them are). I will have it banded.

yay me.

Pain, exhaustion, and allergic reactions – I feel like I’m in Oz…Lions and tigers and bears…OH MY!

The Temper Trap – Sweet Disposition

Chronic

“Behind every stressful thought is the desire for things to be other than they are.” Toni Bernhard, How to Be Sick: A Buddhist-Inspired Guide for the Chronically Ill and Their Caregivers

I am chronically ill.

That’s so weird to actually type out. I have a mild form of MS (yes, that really is possible – it’s not progressive, but I have lots of awesome symptoms *sarcasm*). I am chronically exhausted, chronically muddled in the head, chronically forgetful, chronically blah blah blah.

On last Friday I saw my neurologist again because the exhaustion, head numbness and brain fog were just getting too much. I can’t work well like that…at all. He suggested I could try a new medication. Something to help me stay alert. It works. But I hate that I am now on another medication.

Here’s what I take: reactine, singulaire, advair 500 (the disc), nasonex (yes, I have big time allergies and mild asthma which also affect cognitive function), citalopram (yay anxiety), imovane (occasionally when I get my insomnia), and now alertec to help me stay alert during the day. I also take vitamin D (5000 IU), a multivitamin for women, and nutrasea Omega 3. When I can afford it I also take pro-biotic (usually Bio-K which is freaking expensive).

I went through a phase about 6 years ago where I decided I hated medications and I refused to take them. It didn’t last. I was sick and had to work. I hate that I have to take so much crap just to feel 50% normal. I am so grateful that my illness is MILD compared to what many suffer.

I’m overweight. My size is the only outward appearance of my conditions. HOWEVER, I am working to change that.  I think that the alertec (called Modafinil here in Canada) will help. I feel far more alert with it. The last few days have been wonderful. Today is not so great, I woke with a migraine, but I’m working on that. I’m tired, but not tired. It’s a very odd sensation. I took my kids to a popular attraction on Saturday and carried my 18 month old most of the way. We walked a lot…it felt incredible to do it and feel great doing it!

Men Without Hats – The Safety Dance

Lost and found

“I am so clever that sometimes I don’t understand a single word of what I am saying.” Oscar Wilde, The Happy Prince and Other Stories

This made me giggle a bit on the inside this morning. I’m on a slow upswing. I think my huge low on Saturday was brought on by a combination of stress (surprise!), self-derision, and feeling lost.

“We are all in the gutter, but some of us are looking at the stars.” Oscar Wilde, Lady Windermere’s Fan

I love looking at the stars. Maybe that’s a part of my problem. A number of years ago I spent the majority of my time with my children outside. I find that in the last few years I have more and more become a hermit in my house. That’s not healthy. Just as a food addiction is unhealthy, closeting oneself indoors is just as detrimental.

I think it began innocently enough. I got sick. I got really sick (and have since been diagnosed with a mild form of MS). Then, I kept getting sick (lung and sinus infections brought on by allergies and asthma). Outside has a lot of allergens and bugs. Bugs never used to bother me, however, I noticed this morning how the mosquitoes seemed drawn to me (so it felt) and I started to panic. What? Yes, mosquitoes (or the sensation of them biting) started to make me panic.

This is so weird for me. I used to be the camper/fisher/stay out all night under the stars women. I loved going camping, taking my kids to the river, or just walking in the park. I don’t know where that part of me went. I know it’s still there – I WANT to do those things. I feel like I’ve allowed the artificial world to take over the natural and it’s been at a high cost.

Maybe I’m grasping at straws, maybe it’s always been something deeper causing my unease, my depression, anxiety. Maybe. Maybe it’s a combination of an innate issue and a lack of the natural. Maybe.

Eminem – The Monster (Explicit) Ft. Rihanna

It’s Really Nice Outside…

…and I can hardly keep my eyes open. Blarg. Baby napping with his daddy, I slept in and couldn’t sleep, but feel like I’ve been hit by a 2×4. Face is puffy. Ah, allergies, you’re so much fun! I feel like I could sleep for a month, but can’t. What?! How is that even possible?

I would LOVE to go outside and clean up the yard. OR better yet, open up all the windows and clean house. That’s an even better plan. That takes energy. Dang it! What is this energy thing you speak of?

No call about my MRI yet. I wonder if this fatigue is related to MS. I mean, I know MS can cause extreme fatigue, but is it? Who knows.

Coffee isn’t helping either…I just feel more tired. That’s weird, right?

Maybe feeling inspired will help?

“It is during our darkest moments that we must focus to see the light.” – Aristotle Onassis (source http://www.brainyquote.com/quotes/quotes/a/aristotleo119068.html?src=t_inspirational).

So true. If I focus hard enough I can see it. I have a great support network – family, friends. I can see that light at the end of this tunnel.

Owl City – Fireflies: