“Be the change that you wish to see in the world.” ― Mahatma Gandhi 

Sometimes I look at my life, my world, and I wonder how in the ever loving fawk I ended up where I am.

I love my family. I love them so much that it literally hurts at times because of the stress that I am under.

I had an ache deep in my chest most of yesterday. I spent most of the day crying, dealing with school and mental health for one of my children. I felt defeated all day. My child has a huge heart. My child means the world to me (all my children do). My child has broken my heart more times than I care to recount and has challenges that may never be solved.

Any parent of a high needs child can tell you that, as caregivers, it is often a thankless, stressful position to be in. You KNOW that they love you and you love them unconditionally, but their needs take precedence over so much of your life that other areas falter and fail. Burn out is common, exhaustion, stress born illnesses are common as well.

Changes are need – it’s hard. Oh gawd, I know it is hard. You HAVE to take time for YOU. No matter how infinitesimal, no matter what it is – you need to take that time and embrace it. No more guilt. Guilt is often a frequent emotion for parents.

I began knitting (again) as a form of ‘me’ time. I may not always get out of the house, but I can sit, watch Doctor Who, and knit and I feel at peace. It is my meditation, my time. It’s not a huge change, but change doesn’t always have to be! Baby steps.

Working towards a healthier me is also a step I have taken – eating healthier, going to bed earlier, getting more exercise. What seemed impossible just a few short months ago is so, so possible now! I’ve started to (FINALLY!) lose weigh after years of struggling, though I’ve had health challenges lately, in general that is improving too!

Make sure you have a support team – even if that is a team of one! You NEED someone. You can’t be the rock your child needs if you are crumbling to dust…Even mountains need a foundation to build on. I’m so fortunate that I have an amazing family network and friend network. There is ALWAYS someone I can talk to.

Let it out. Holding in that pain and hurt from your day will only make you feel worse and takes a toll on your health. It’s a hard lesson to learn, and I took the long way to learn it. I hold very little back anymore. It’s a change that I have learned with time.

Love yourself. This is one change that I am still struggling with. It is needed, and is probably one of the most difficult ones.

Let others help. Sometimes letting go is the most amazing thing you can do for your child. Allowing someone else to guide them is sometimes the most important thing that can happen. It sucks ass. As a parent, you want to be the ONE. That isn’t always possible.

I’m tired. I think that is all I have in me for today. If my advice helps even one parent of a special/high needs child than I am grateful and happy for it.

Peace all and remember to love yourself.

David Bowie – Changes


The Child Inside

“Every child is an artist. The problem is how to remain an artist once he grows up.” Pablo Picasso

We all have a child inside. Some are buried deeper than others. Some bubble to the surface with joyous abandon only to be told by society that they are inappropriate.

We need child like awe and curiosity. We need child like reverence and love. We need child like ability to see no colour and befriend those who need one. We need more exuberance in life, more thrills of the happy kind.

We need more people who throw caution to the wind and dance to their own drums. Those who embrace their inner child with reckless abandon, whilst understanding the needs of others.

We need more Jimmy Fallon playing classroom instruments with bands…this is freaking hilarious.

Metallica & The Roots feat. Jimmy Fallon – Enter Sandman

Under Pressure

“Nobody works better under pressure. They just work faster.” Brian Tracy

Tis the season to feel pressure(d)
Fa la la la la la la la la
Shop for now, pay for it later
Fa la la la la la la la la
Don we now our face for family
Fa la la la la la la la la
Wrap the presents, stuff the turkey
Fa la la la la la la la la

Hope the kids don’t peek this year
Fa la la la la la la la la
Please let the baby sleep in later
Fa la la la la la la la la
Tip toe around to make everything ready
Fa la la la la la la la la
Wake up early and watch the waste pile
Fa la la la la la la la la

See the smiles and feel contentment
Fa la la la la la la la la
Fill your heart with love, not resentment
Fa la la la la la la la la
It’s not about receiving, all about giving
Fa la la la la la la la la
Take your time, enjoy the holiday
Fa la la la la la la la la

I’m really excited about this Christmas, and not. I’ve had everything ready for weeks (save the wrapping). I’m even ahead on certain birthdays for next year.

The only part that is missing – my two older teens. They are at their dad’s this year until Boxing Day, so our Christmas day will happen when they come home. The youngest won’t know the difference – he’ll just have a blast tearing through paper and hiding in boxes (he LOVES playing with boxes). But my eldest was worried about missing out, so I reassured her that we are adults, we can wait a day for them to come home and have Christmas.

Please parents who are divorced – please remember that this holiday, that this time of year is NOT about the adults.

Please remember to make it about your children.

Please put aside your animosity for the other parent.

Please remember not to say negative things about the other parent (whether they are a good or bad person, doesn’t matter). Be positive – your kids will remember that.

Please remember that you are making a memory for your child/children.

Please remember that it is NOT a competition. It doesn’t matter if you spend $10 or $1,000. Your children just want to enjoy their time with you, have fun, and see everyone happy.

It sucks so bad having to trade off years. It sucks just as bad for the other parent. No one wants to miss watching their kids open presents first things Christmas morning (unless you don’t celebrate Christmas – but the same goes for any faith celebration – Kwanzaa, Hanukkah, etc. Children watch us, they see us react, they can read us like there is no tomorrow.

Please make sure they see you are happy for them.

Please don’t make them feel guilty for wanting to be with the other parent.

Please don’t belittle them for loving the other parent.

They did NOT choose who their parents are. Like it or not – that other parent is in their lives (and partially yours) forever.

Yes, there are exceptions – someone who is abusive, who has supervised visits, who has no visits – however, saying negative things to the kids or in front of them does not help  them, it only makes them feel worse.

Wow – I did not see this  post coming. Initially, I just wanted it to be a fun goofy post about the holidays…funny what comes out sometimes when I start to write. I never plan it, it just happens.

Queen ft. David Bowie – Under Pressure