What Dreams may come…

“Yes: I am a dreamer. For a dreamer is one who can only find his way by moonlight, and his punishment is that he sees the dawn before the rest of the world.” Oscar Wilde, The Critic as Artist (Source: Goodreads).

I had a very bizarre dream last night.

First a bit of background. I have been sick a LOT in the last few months. I started decluttering our library/computer room just before getting super sick. I now have a pile of stuff to sort through in my kitchen and a smaller pile in the library/computer room. No one else can apparently do this chore save I. It has been weighing on me and now my in-laws are due to visit THIS weekend.

Back to the dream.

North Korea was invading. No one actually said it was North Korea, I just knew (weird). I was in a huge panic to move ALL our stuff in the house to my parents house because we were being evacuated and had about 48 hours to get out before we were in danger. We had so much stuff…I kept saying “how will we get it ALL OUT!”; ” We don’t have enough BOXES OR BAGS!”; “The china will BREAK!” – note: I own no china. From the pattern, it was my mother’s china. Actually, a lot of the furniture was my parents – their hutch, dinning room set, etc. Again – so bizarre.

Hubby took the kids to my parents place, and when he came back I was in full blown panic asking, “Where are the kids? Aren’t they going to help!”. He says, “You told me to take them to your parents house.” Oh, right. Then somehow we ended up in a house that we were buying – I’ve seen this house before, in a DIFFERENT dream. There is obvious something about it.

The house is old, turn of the 1900s Victorian type. It has a turret, many staircases, a creepy basement, open & airy rooms, etc. In my last dream about it the floors were rotting and we were almost falling through. In this dream, it looked like it had been renovated – all cleaned up, no more rotting floors and the sun was shining (the last dream was dark).

Then I woke up. So bizarre.

Needless to say, my night was LONG (the dream felt like it took ALL night). I’m now feeling completely exhausted. I saw the dawn before all others.

Today, I have to finish the painting I am doing for my mother (a woodland cottage type scene), and CLEAN. I really don’t want any more dreams like that.

Imagine Dragons – Dream

Clutter, Clutter everywhere!

I admit it, I’m a reformed hoarder. I used to keep EVERYTHING. Every piece of art my children made, every piece of clothing that I may fit back into. Everything. Then I hit a point where I asked myself why. Why am I keeping all this shit!?

I honestly think part of it was my inability to let go, another part was my anxiety, and another my need to gain comfort from outside myself. I’ve since learned that none of those are reasons for holding on to unnecessary baggage (physical or mental).

I’m still struggling to let go of some things in my life. I have a few rooms left to de-clutter, a few mental rooms to de-clutter as well. I honestly feel that a cluttered space, leads to a cluttered mind and my mind has too much clutter without the extra physical clutter clouding it.

My chore for the next few weeks is to finally finish the de-cluttering process I started a few years back. Everything was pretty much there except for our computer room/library, the storage room, and our master bedroom (now the family room downstairs as well since the kids seem to forget to de-clutter as well).

My biggest issue with this is my mental clutter – which includes an unhealthy dose of exhaustion and weight. Why do I list weight as mental clutter? Because it weighs on me physically and mentally. In the past 6 years (almost 7) I have packed on well over 40 lbs. I was a bit overweight to begin with. At 5’1″ this extra weight drags me down physically and mentally. I’ve lately joined two Biggest Loser challenges in my area, but I am my own worse enemy and when I start to lose, I sabotage myself.

It was subconscious to begin with, I’d lose a pound or two and my eating would go back to bad. Once I realized what the heck I was doing, I became more aware of when I would do it…and it was always after losing a bit. This is frustrating. I WANT and NEED to lose this weight, just as much as I want and need to de-clutter the rest of my home.

There is always an excuse. I can’t exercise with the baby (he’s 14 months and I am sure I could find a way). I can’t find anything to eat (biggest pile of bullshit around, more like I can’t find what I am craving). I lack the energy – this one is true, but it’s almost self-fulfilling; I lack energy which I would get through exercise but need the energy to exercise so I can get the energy to exercise more and lose weight. Healthy food is too expensive – yes, it can be – but so are snack foods (I usually avoid chips and do not like pop, but love chocolate).

I always start out great; a big glass of water and a green smoothie. Then my day goes to pot so to speak. I’m working on it. It is a slow change, one I did before and one that I am determined to do again.

I hate hating my body and myself. How does a blog on clutter turned to a blog on weight and self-hate? Easily, since in my life the two are interconnected. I hate the condition of my house and the clutter within it, just like I hate my body and the extra weight it holds.

I need to let go of that hate. Maybe that’s the key – let it go and it will happen? Maybe. All I know is that I am ready for it.

Sia – Chandelier – I’m no longer a drinker, but the song fits…