Demons

“Every man is guilty of all the good he did not do.” ― Voltaire

Before I moved into our new home, I have a beautiful Indian Ringneck parrot. She, however, had been aggressive towards my little birds (that I had before her), and I thought my best option was to rehome her.

Guilt is a large emotion. I feel it often. Rehoming her was the worse guilt I have had in a long time.

Fast forward a year and a half (about) later…the woman I rehomed her to could no longer care for her. I took her back instantly.

Welcome home, Kyra. I’m so sorry I let you down and didn’t push myself more for a better solution. Between Charman (the cat) trying to nab you, the littles getting hurt, and you being relegated to a cage because we were selling our house, I thought it was in your best interest. I see now just how wrong I was. I have missed you so much and I will carry that guilt with me always.

Guilt is one of my many demons. I have guilt for not being enough for everyone – human, animal, bird, everyone. Guilt for not calling my friends, guilt for not sending that email, guilt for not making it to that late show. I have guilt for not eating right in the past, guilt for not being enough for my husband, guilt for spending any money, guilt for not spending, guilt for not being able to get everything my kids could dream of.

Anxiety and guilt are best friends in my life.

I’m working on that. I’m working on letting go of the past. I’m working on ME.

Don’t let the demons swallow you up.

Imagine Dragons – Demons

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Happiness

“Happiness is when what you think, what you say, and what you do are in harmony.” – Mahatma Gandhi (Source: http://www.goodreads.com/quotes/tag/happiness)

I’m working on it Gandhi, I’m working on it. Though I would include letting go of things. I have a horrible time letting things go and it is usually the bad that sticks. I need to think happy thoughts, say happy things, and do things that make me happy. Maybe then I will be everything I want to be for myself and my family.

Smiling
I walk to the end of
happiness
dropping off into
a swirl of
depression
anger
regret
self-hate
digging and clawing
lead to exhaustion
and
fear
fear is the happiness
killer
fear of the unknown
of a
happiness
not burdened by guilt
burdened by a need
to be all
to
everyone
guilt of parenthood
be health
be strong
be everything
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU
being everything
robs one of a sense
of self
a separate
but whole
happiness
is but a step away
a leap into a
cloud of emotion
waiting

A weighty issue

About a week ago we finally saw the end to a week long power outage. Seriously. We had a tropical storm come trundling through our area, everyone believed it would hit very south of us. It didn’t. Lots of bluster, lots of rain and no power. We left the day it hit to head to my in-laws for a few days (it was actually a planned trip, it wasn’t due to the weather). When we got to our intended destination (which was where the storm was supposed to hit), everything was clear and just a bit windy. Weather is so interesting.

By the time we got home we had lost everything in our fridge and freezer – by freezer, I mean the little one attached to the fridge, we don’t actually have a deep freeze (I know, we’re odd). It sucked, but was actually an opportunity to toss out all the crap we had, and start over with fresh, healthy options. Around this time a friend introduced me to Sparkpeople.

You see, I need to lose weight. I know, I know – a lot of people tell me that as long as I am healthy that weight shouldn’t be an issue. Well, it is for me and always has been. I’m 5’1″ and I won’t tell you my weight because I am thoroughly embarrassed about it. I’m under 200 lbs, so that’s something, right? My health is definitely affected. My joints ache, my back is in pain when I wake up in the morning and I KNOW it’s because my abdominal muscles are – well – non-existent at this point. About 10 years ago I had managed to lose 60 lbs. This time I’m hoping to lose about 70 lbs, if not a bit more. According to certain sites a healthy weight for a woman my size is between 97.9 and 132.3 lbs as per .

This undertaking is huge for me (no pun intended). This has been my week. Restocking for a healthier me and family, trying to eat right, feeling extreme guilt and disgust when I don’t eat something healthy, feeling tired, weighed down, and downright horrid for not losing a single goddamn pound. NOT ONE. I am a breastfeeding mom with 3 kids. I have walked a lot this week, I have watched my portions. Even ONE pound would have been nice.

So to this end, if you are on Sparkpeople – add me. GWENAJONES is my user name (all lower case). I could use all the help (and positive encouragement!) I can get!

Also – if you have thoughts on good exercises to do at home with children present (aka 6 month old baby), please share, I’d love to learn some!