Rich Girl

“No man is rich enough to buy back his past.” ― Oscar Wilde

I’ve been reminiscing so much over the last long while. My eldest just turned 18. She has her learner’s permit to drive. I think her reaching these milestones has brought on a wave of memories long since buried for me.

The aromas of the past linger on my senses. The yearning for those days tugs at my spirit.

I was so fucking care free.

I’m not sure how else to word that. I don’t normally curse in my writing, but the feeling is so intense. I had so much freedom and, yet, I restrained myself in chains of convention. I still do.

No matter how hard I try, I cannot buy back my past. I can’t remove the creases of time. I can’t erase the scars of life.

No matter how hard I want to, I can’t let go…let go of anxiety, depression, sickness.

I’m so desperate to lose weight, be healthy, that I’m forgetting to live along the way.

Would it not be incredible if everyone had the ability to afford proper nutrition, prepped for you when needed? Would it not be incredible if everyone had the ability to get the help they needed, when they needed it and how they needed it?

If I were to be rich, I would be able to do all that and more.

But I’m not.

I guess for now, I’ll trudge on my journey. Attempt to keep up with life, whilst trying to regain my life.

Gwen Stefani – Rich Girl ft. Eve

Happy and Torn

 

“If the world were merely seductive, that would be easy. If it were merely challenging, that would be no problem. But I arise in the morning torn between a desire to improve the world and a desire to enjoy the world. This makes it hard to plan the day.” E.B. White

I don’t know that I have ever read someone put so succinctly how I feel. I went to Goodreads looking for a quote on challenges and this was the first one to come up in the search.

I adopted two bearded dragons in June – Gonzo and Evee. I actually received them the day after I had to put my little Lucky Bear dog down. They distracted me and gave me what I needed to stay on track. They still do.

I’m not sure what their previous owners were like. I know that they were surrendered as they didn’t have the paperwork to take them back home with them to their country of origin. Gonzo and Evee had been housed together. That, for me, was the first sign of issues.

In the contents of their effects from their previous life was caloric supplement. This would be for Evee. Gonzo is 6, Evee is 5. Gonzo is 20 inches from the tip of his nose to the tip of his tail…Evee is 17 – malnourished, dehydrated when I received her.

The shelter was not accustomed to lizards, so they would not have known what was ‘normal’ and what was not. Gonzo is definitely domineering of Evee – this is normal for a male and female dragon.

Soon after receiving them, I separated them, but not soon enough. Poor Evee somehow received a fracture to the right side of her jaw and it became infected. I didn’t realize this until the infection developed into a lump. After weeks of antibiotics, and losing my Bronco, I got her jaw x-rayed so we could see what was going on. The fracture runs straight through her jaw bone BUT it’s a ‘clean fracture. In other words – if we could get that infection out of there, it should heal on it’s own.

Yesterday Evee went in for surgery to have the abscess debrided (remove the infection). It went AMAZING!!! My vet is a superstar! She never performed this type of surgery before, but she researched it as much as she could before performing it. Last time I saw Evee (this morning before leaving for work) she looked fantastic! She’s investigating, she’s moving around, and she shows no ill effects from the anesthesia. The wound will remain open to heal from the inside out.

I am so happy that we have this silver lining in our clouds. It seems like there has been so much wrong in the world lately – even something as small as a bearded dragon getting healthy makes me smile.

I’ve been so torn up lately with all the negative, it feels good to feel happy.

I will improve my world one step at a time, one creature at a time, one soul at a time. I will enjoy it every moment I am capable of doing so.

Rihanna – Umbrella (Orange Version) ft. Jay-Z

 

Only time

“Every man has his secret sorrows which the world knows not; and often times we call a man cold when he is only sad.”  Henry Wadsworth Longfellow

They say that only time can heal a wounded heart/soul/person. I would argue that. I’m almost 42 and time has done no healing. I have worked on healing myself, but time had very little to do with it.

Another day, another anxiety attack. New medications, new therapist, new outlook – maybe.

I have always found this season difficult. I love the Christmas season – I love the decorations, the veil of cheer. But under that veil is stress, hurt, worry. People spend more than they should, consumed with ensuring everyone has everything they want (not need). It strains relationships, friendships, lives.

I used to be a 911 operator. I loved that job. This time of year was always hard on everyone. More family violence, more of everything. So sad.

Time has not truly changed of that. I have changed the way I see it, the way I react to it. That doesn’t mean it’s a good change, it’s just that – a change. I’m working on it.

I hope someday that scientist will find a cure for mental health issues without side effect causing medications. I suppose, only time will tell.

Enya – Only Time