A new adventure

“Live, travel, adventure, bless, and don’t be sorry.” Jack Kerouac (Source: Goodreads, of course)

I’m starting my own new adventure and I LOVE IT. I mentioned yesterday, or was it last week…hmmm…anyways – I mentioned previously that I had signed up for singing lessons. What a great decision! I went for the first time today. In my initial vocal practice I only achieved 2 octaves in range, not bad but I’m sure I could do better. My nerves got the better of me.

I have social anxiety. I suffer from panic attacks when having to speak publicly unless it’s in certain situations. For instance – I can speak to a group of children about animal welfare and in fact have on behalf of my local SPCA (where I have volunteered and still do off and on). I can read aloud to a group of children. I can address a group of adults during social gathering. I cannot handle public speaking in order to present something to a group of adults. I get a sort of tunnel vision and forget things and even though I appear calm and collected and project well, I am crumbling inside.

Needless to say, singing in front of a stranger is panic inducing. BUT I DID IT! I’m so proud of myself. Also – he had me watch myself in the mirror to see how closed I was and how I needed to open up (my mouth, that is). Having to look at myself in the mirror for longer than absolutely needed is unknown for me. I am loath to see myself.

Singing lesson are going to have many benefits for me…I foresee a break from my addiction to food (yes, I really do believe now that I am addicted to food – more on that later). Having to stare at myself singing, I was so self-conscious. So self-aware. If I am to practice that way than I am to lose weight. There is no other way.

It’s time for a break from food, bad food that is.

I also see it helping with my anxiety as I HAVE to get over my fear of singing in front of strangers. My children and husband hear me ALL the time, it’s time others do as well (in small numbers).

With losing weight and a lessening of anxiety, comes more self-esteem, decreased stress, and increased energy.

I am so hopeful for this new adventure.

The only ones who know now are a couple of close friends, my husband, and – well – anyone who actually reads this LOL….I’m thinking not many.

YAY to optimism!

Time for some music…I love this version of Tainted Love…it doesn’t fit in with this post, but I don’t care – it’s just random.

Marilyn Manson – Tainted Love

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Candlelight

“There are two ways of spreading light: to be the candle or the mirror that reflects it.” – Edith Wharton (source: http://www.brainyquote.com/quotes/quotes/e/edithwhart100511.html?src=t_inspirational).

I want to be that candle. Now to get my body to agree with me. I’m trying to be upbeat. It’s not working. I’m having a bad day.

I joined our biggest loser thing here at my office. I lost a few pounds. I went to get weighed this morning and discovered I’d gained them back. I’m discouraged. I’m disgusted. I feel like crying. I’m in pain from my two walks yesterday. I feel like all I do is complain or make excuses. I’m also told I’m too hard on myself, but personally, I think I’m not hard enough.

I look in the mirror with disgust. Yes, I really do hate my body. I guess you could say I’m a thin, fit woman on the inside. That fit woman is begging to get out. She hates what she feels and doesn’t know – no – has forgotten how to attain her goals.

Baby steps. I need to remember that all good, positive change happens in baby steps. I do have health problems – I can’t just lunge into things and expect immediate change.

I’m the mirror watching the candle burn at both ends. I want to be the candle, breathing in the air around me, using it to fuel my transformation. Glow strong and bright.

The rain outside, though cleansing, isn’t helping my mood. The dampness has settled into my lungs and I am once again wheezing…and I can’t find my inhaler. *facepalm* Sometimes I wonder how I have made it this far. I won’t melt in the rain, sometimes I even love to dance in it, but I prefer to be shielded by an umbrella.

Rihanna – Umbrella: