Under Pressure

“I’m not in this world to live up to your expectations and you’re not in this world to live up to mine.” – Bruce Lee

The last while I have been under a tremendous amount of pressure and stress. Physically, my head literally feels like it’s full of pressure – and I usually end up exhausted and with a migraine. Mentally, the anxiety attacks seem to be happening more.

I need to give myself a chance to breath.

My home life is stressful and I’ve been fighting for help. We’re finally getting it. I can breath a little.

My work life is stressful only in so far that I have not been functional enough in my opinion. I need to do more – my head is numb and full of pressure. I have a hard time thinking, concentrating, dealing with my task that are normally so simple to me.

My beautiful cat, Spice, somehow got out of our house on Monday – she’s so skittish and scared that no one can get near her and she will not enter the live trap we borrowed. My heart is breaking. She’s such a sweet tortie girl.

We’re trying to renovate our house and we are going on a whirlwind trip soon. Money money money – must be funny, in a rich person’s world…right? (thanks for that ear worm ABBA, I love it).

My expectations of self are higher than my physical reality. I need to remember that if I am not in health, I cannot care for my children. If I am not focused on being healthy, I will not be there for my children in the future.

So much pressure in my head and chest. I want to crawl into bed and sleep for a month…I have to work. I am the sole breadwinner for my family right now. No rest for the wicked (with MS), right?

Queen ft. David Bowie – Under Pressure

Comfortably numb?

“The mind is its own place, and in itself can make a heaven of hell, a hell of heaven..” John Milton, Paradise Lost

The doctor has added another medication to my list – one for the anxiety. I think it’s working…or maybe it’s the lack of sleep making me so numb. I feel completely zoned out, sometimes so hyper focused I don’t hear what people say to me.

The pros of being on a ADD medication and an anxiety medication when you have MS is that I am now able to stay awake and focus. My anxiety today is – well – null. The con – I feel numb. Comfortably numb maybe? I don’t know. All  I know is that for the first time in months I don’t feel worried or scared or completely awful. I was awake at 3:30 am thanks to my tot and I am still functional at 2:35 pm.

This hasn’t happened to me in about 20 years. It’s an interesting sensation – functional, awake. I wonder if I only think I am numb because my mind isn’t racing a million miles an hour. Is this what normal feels like? It’s…interesting.

If I had to describe it or ascribe words to it, I would say I feel like an automaton (if one can know what that feels like), a manikin, something less than real. It’s very surreal to not have my mind racing. I like not having a panic attack (been having them almost daily), but I’m not sure how much I am enjoying the silence. It’s odd. Off-putting.

hmmm. I guess for now I’ll just have to be comfortably numb…

Pink Floyd – Comfortably Numb