“I wish could tie you up in my shoes
Make you feel unpretty too
I was told I was beautiful
But what does that mean to you
Look into the mirror who’s inside there
The one with the long hair
Same old me again today (yeah)

My outsides look cool
My insides are blue
Every time I think I’m through
It’s because of you
I’ve tried different ways
But it’s all the same
At the end of the day
I have myself to blame
I’m just trippin’

You can buy your hair if it won’t grow
You can fix your nose if he says so
You can buy all the make up that M.A.C. can make
But if you can’t look inside you
Find out who am I too
Be in the position to make me feel so
Damn unpretty
(Yeah) I’ll make you feel unpretty too

Never insecure until I met you
Now I’m bein’ stupid
I used to be so cute to me
Just a little bit skinny
Why do I look to all these things
To keep you happy
Maybe get rid of you and then I’ll get back to me (hey)

My outsides look cool
My insides are blue
Every time I think I’m through
It’s because of you
I’ve tried different ways but it’s all the same
At the end of the day I have myself to blame
Believe I’m just trippin’ yeah

You can buy your hair if it won’t grow
You can fix your nose if he says so
You can buy all the make up that M.A.C. can make
But if you can’t look inside you
Find out who am I too
Be in the position to make me feel so
Damn unpretty
I’ll make you feel unpretty too

I’ll make you feel unpretty

You can buy your hair if it won’t grow
You can fix your nose if he says so
You can buy all the make up that M.A.C. can make
But if you can’t look inside you
Find out who am I too
Be in the position to make me feel so
Damn unpretty

You can buy your hair if it won’t grow
You can buy all the make up that M.A.C. can make”

-Writer/s: Francine Vicki Golde, Dennis Lambert, Dallas L. Austin, Duane S. Hitchings, Tionne Tenese Watkins. Publisher: Sony/ATV Music Publishing LLC, Universal Music Publishing Group

It’s funny how so much external and internal ‘junk’ can make us feel. I’ve always had low self-esteem. Why did I quote the whole song? Because, after all this time, it still rings true.

I’m always telling my friends that I have a laundry list of plastic surgery I would get if I could afford to. Liposuction, tummy tuck, butt lift, breasts reduction/lift (actually, that one is more medical since I have arthritis in my back), arm and thigh tucks, get that damn turkey neck gone. Yes, that really is my list. Oh, and electrolysis so I can permanent get rid of the hair I hate.

I can in all honestly say that I don’t like myself – probably detest myself. Everyone says that in order to really love, you need to love yourself first. If that were true, I would never love anything – but it’s not. I love my children. I love my husband. I love my family, my pets, my friends. I just don’t love myself and I really can’t see how I could.

Is that sad? I don’t think so – I think it’s realistic. I’m not one who resorts to such types realism often but in this case, it is a must. My MS has in a way made it worse. My inability to lose weight, to focus, to sleep well. My inability to even go for a decent walk without needing to rest for days afterwards. My inability to do things others take for granted – it all impacts my self-image. I full and well know it is an image of my creation. No one can see me the way I do. It’s been formulated over 44 years of horrid self-talk, bullying, verbal, mental and other forms of abuse.

Have I sought therapy? Yes, many times over. I’m tired of the platitudes that truly do nothing for me. I’ve tried all the exercises, I’ve tried journalling, I’ve tried meditation, I’ve quite literally tried it all. The biggest issue – if you can’t focus all of those things are for naught.

I love this song. To me, the other person in the song is just me on the inside. It’s two sides of the same coin – feeling like you look amazing only to have those inner voices tell you how much shit you are and that you are only fooling yourself. I’m sure it was written about a person who is thinking a significant other who is abusive; but to me it’s about self-abuse, self-denigration.

I’ve stopped wearing make-up, it takes too long. I’ve stopped trying to look stylish – I feel like I look like an old bat even trying. My social life is limited and I prefer hiding in my cave (home). I try to force myself out, but I always feel like my family is embarrassed to be with me in public even when logically I know they aren’t. I never wanted to be that fat mom. I never wanted to be that stupid person. More and more that’s exactly how I feel. My friends used to tease me over my jokes as I often thought the funny ones involved puns and large words and double entendres. Now, I’m lucky if I can remember how to spell, let alone get the jokes I used to love.

I’m tired. I’m tired of feeling unpretty. I’m tired of feeling stupid. I’m tired of never being enough. I’m just tired.

TLC – Unpretty

A new adventure

“Live, travel, adventure, bless, and don’t be sorry.” Jack Kerouac (Source: Goodreads, of course)

I’m starting my own new adventure and I LOVE IT. I mentioned yesterday, or was it last week…hmmm…anyways – I mentioned previously that I had signed up for singing lessons. What a great decision! I went for the first time today. In my initial vocal practice I only achieved 2 octaves in range, not bad but I’m sure I could do better. My nerves got the better of me.

I have social anxiety. I suffer from panic attacks when having to speak publicly unless it’s in certain situations. For instance – I can speak to a group of children about animal welfare and in fact have on behalf of my local SPCA (where I have volunteered and still do off and on). I can read aloud to a group of children. I can address a group of adults during social gathering. I cannot handle public speaking in order to present something to a group of adults. I get a sort of tunnel vision and forget things and even though I appear calm and collected and project well, I am crumbling inside.

Needless to say, singing in front of a stranger is panic inducing. BUT I DID IT! I’m so proud of myself. Also – he had me watch myself in the mirror to see how closed I was and how I needed to open up (my mouth, that is). Having to look at myself in the mirror for longer than absolutely needed is unknown for me. I am loath to see myself.

Singing lesson are going to have many benefits for me…I foresee a break from my addiction to food (yes, I really do believe now that I am addicted to food – more on that later). Having to stare at myself singing, I was so self-conscious. So self-aware. If I am to practice that way than I am to lose weight. There is no other way.

It’s time for a break from food, bad food that is.

I also see it helping with my anxiety as I HAVE to get over my fear of singing in front of strangers. My children and husband hear me ALL the time, it’s time others do as well (in small numbers).

With losing weight and a lessening of anxiety, comes more self-esteem, decreased stress, and increased energy.

I am so hopeful for this new adventure.

The only ones who know now are a couple of close friends, my husband, and – well – anyone who actually reads this LOL….I’m thinking not many.

YAY to optimism!

Time for some music…I love this version of Tainted Love…it doesn’t fit in with this post, but I don’t care – it’s just random.

Marilyn Manson – Tainted Love

The Monster in my Head

Sounds so ominous, doesn’t it? I am, by admission, my own worse enemy. The fighter in me wants to destroy that Monster, negative self-talk and anxiety. I’ve tried for years and occasionally I win a battle, but I have never won the war. Constant voices of self-doubt, self-humiliation, self-deprecation, self-bullying (because, really, that is what it is) drag down my ability to be content in life, and, in the end, drag down my health.

One merely has to look at me in a quirky or different way and those voices become a screaming chorus. “What did I do wrong?”; “Why are they looking at me like that? Do I say something stupid?”; “Why did I have to say that?”; “Why bother looking in the mirror, you look like a fat slob and you know it.”; “You really think they care about you or what you think?”; “Why bother trying to lose weight, it won’t change that you’re a freak?” That, my friends, is just a sampling of the self-talk in my head…not to mention the conversations I dream of having should I develop some confidence and self-worth.

I’m not all dreary, I can assure you. My confidence is better than it was and I do hold a full-time position. I love my job, I enjoy the people I work with, but I always have doubts. When in a particular bad place I always call my husband or email a friend. It’s so important to have people you can trust to talk to!

I know that there is another monster in there sometimes, a lot of times actually. Depression. I hate that word and the monster it creates. Combined with ADD – I have a detrimental ability of wanting to get things done, wanting it now and having absolutely no energy or will-power to do it. It’s so hard to explain to someone who doesn’t contend with these issues. Anxiety can be crippling, Depression draining, and ADD a confusion wash of diversions and distractions. Than add a case of mild MS to the mix.

Hmmm…the best I can liken it to for someone who doesn’t ‘get’ it is this – picture wanting to run a race, you start your race at the same pace as the others, but then someone from the sidelines comes and puts a bag of stones in your arms. You now have to carry those stones and try to keep up. You manage for a time, it’s hard, but you can do it. Next thing you know – another bag is heaved onto your back. Now your starting to struggle and fall behind. The pace is half that of the others, but you are still in the race. All of a sudden, you become mired in quicksand – you didn’t see it because of the stones in your arms that blocked your view. You can’t move, you’re struggling to break free. You’re exhausted. You just want to lay down and rest. You want to close your eyes and pretend that you don’t have the stones, and you aren’t mired in quicksand, but there is no escape until someone comes to help you.

I think that’s a pretty good analogy of how I feel. I can keep up, I can maintain, but then something happens and I become mired, entrenched, in that quicksand. It’s so hard to get out. I have an amazing family and 99% of the time I am able to keep up with everyone, but that 1% of the time, I just want to lay my head down and rest. No joy in the world could drag me out of it.

It sucks, and that’s an understatement. I want to get everything done, I want to function at 100% 100% of the time. I want to have the energy of my kids and get up and go. I’m also under the weather this week so that is no doubt where this post comes from. It is born out of frustration, a frustration brought out of stagnation and a desire to get myself into a good place, and out of the dark.

Queen – I’m Going Slightly Mad

Clutter, Clutter everywhere!

I admit it, I’m a reformed hoarder. I used to keep EVERYTHING. Every piece of art my children made, every piece of clothing that I may fit back into. Everything. Then I hit a point where I asked myself why. Why am I keeping all this shit!?

I honestly think part of it was my inability to let go, another part was my anxiety, and another my need to gain comfort from outside myself. I’ve since learned that none of those are reasons for holding on to unnecessary baggage (physical or mental).

I’m still struggling to let go of some things in my life. I have a few rooms left to de-clutter, a few mental rooms to de-clutter as well. I honestly feel that a cluttered space, leads to a cluttered mind and my mind has too much clutter without the extra physical clutter clouding it.

My chore for the next few weeks is to finally finish the de-cluttering process I started a few years back. Everything was pretty much there except for our computer room/library, the storage room, and our master bedroom (now the family room downstairs as well since the kids seem to forget to de-clutter as well).

My biggest issue with this is my mental clutter – which includes an unhealthy dose of exhaustion and weight. Why do I list weight as mental clutter? Because it weighs on me physically and mentally. In the past 6 years (almost 7) I have packed on well over 40 lbs. I was a bit overweight to begin with. At 5’1″ this extra weight drags me down physically and mentally. I’ve lately joined two Biggest Loser challenges in my area, but I am my own worse enemy and when I start to lose, I sabotage myself.

It was subconscious to begin with, I’d lose a pound or two and my eating would go back to bad. Once I realized what the heck I was doing, I became more aware of when I would do it…and it was always after losing a bit. This is frustrating. I WANT and NEED to lose this weight, just as much as I want and need to de-clutter the rest of my home.

There is always an excuse. I can’t exercise with the baby (he’s 14 months and I am sure I could find a way). I can’t find anything to eat (biggest pile of bullshit around, more like I can’t find what I am craving). I lack the energy – this one is true, but it’s almost self-fulfilling; I lack energy which I would get through exercise but need the energy to exercise so I can get the energy to exercise more and lose weight. Healthy food is too expensive – yes, it can be – but so are snack foods (I usually avoid chips and do not like pop, but love chocolate).

I always start out great; a big glass of water and a green smoothie. Then my day goes to pot so to speak. I’m working on it. It is a slow change, one I did before and one that I am determined to do again.

I hate hating my body and myself. How does a blog on clutter turned to a blog on weight and self-hate? Easily, since in my life the two are interconnected. I hate the condition of my house and the clutter within it, just like I hate my body and the extra weight it holds.

I need to let go of that hate. Maybe that’s the key – let it go and it will happen? Maybe. All I know is that I am ready for it.

Sia – Chandelier – I’m no longer a drinker, but the song fits…