Downtown

“Downtown. Lights on buildings and everything that makes you wonder. And in that moment, I swear we were infinite.” ― Stephen Chbosky, The Perks of Being a Wallflower

I’m feeling particularly nostalgic the last (very long) while. Listening to Downtown by Macklemore & Ryan Lewis makes me reminisce of the past – driving in my old Pontiac Acadian (cherry red, 4 door, 5 speed hatchback – loved that fucking car), sun blinding me and those tiny sun visors doing nothing to stop it. The smell of beach air, friends talking, dancing, singing, laughing.

Summer Shine summarises a bit, but the essence…oh that essence

Summer Shine

I love that summer shine
you know it
The sun so hot
the grass so cool
you just want to sit
in the shade just right
under the willow
The clouds so high
and barely there
you wish you could dive
into the blue sky
so inviting in the day
When the night comes
the stars shimmer so clear
the moon kisses them
until they disappear
into another summer shine day
No breeze to fly a kite
the hum of insects
frogs croaking
birds chirping
today is the day
of that summer shine
The reflection off the lake
strikes the eyes
and makes you blind
to that child that splashes
the water on you
It freezes and feels so good
Tip toe over the hot road
feet in the sand
make it to the beach
When the summer shine ends
the bonfire full roars
at that full moon
They sing and dance
filling the night
with an intensity
until the next
summer shine

My hand holds an Alpine, it’s starting to get too warm, but I don’t care. Later, we’ll head down to the green downtown. We’ll hang out on a blanket, so much laughter peeling out from our lungs.

Driving with the windows down, the gas gauge is broken, but it doesn’t matter. We’re together. We’re innocent. We don’t have cell phones, we don’t have computers. It’s just us, my old Pontiac Acadian, laughter, love, friendship. That guy I have the crush on is there, I’m wayyyy too shy and anxious to act on my feelings. Butterflies are floating like crazy in my stomach. My friend teases me, but she knows. They just get me.

I have trauma in that innocence, but it’s grip is soft. I’ve constant friends about me…I’m lonely, but it’s a warm loneliness. I don’t worry as much, I don’t feel like I’m imposing by existing. I’m the driver in my life and it’s pretty damn good (why didn’t I see that then?).

Now, present day. I have a constant yearning in my soul. I can’t pick it out. I can’t identify it. Constant anxiety, worry for my kids, worry for my husband, worry about this world. I’m overwhelmed. I’d love to go downtown, sit on the green and just soak up the sun. I want to hold that memory in a steel trap and never let it out. The grip of trauma has grown so much stronger. I’m constantly raw by it’s chaffing hold. I’m just a breath away from seeing that moment, that crisp feeling of wholeness. It sits just out of my sight, barely in the shadows, waiting for the sunlight to wake it, move it.

The wonder that once filled me has dimmed in the lights of age, but I know I can find it again. I know it’s there.

Macklemore & Ryan Lewis – Downtown

A new adventure

“Live, travel, adventure, bless, and don’t be sorry.” Jack Kerouac (Source: Goodreads, of course)

I’m starting my own new adventure and I LOVE IT. I mentioned yesterday, or was it last week…hmmm…anyways – I mentioned previously that I had signed up for singing lessons. What a great decision! I went for the first time today. In my initial vocal practice I only achieved 2 octaves in range, not bad but I’m sure I could do better. My nerves got the better of me.

I have social anxiety. I suffer from panic attacks when having to speak publicly unless it’s in certain situations. For instance – I can speak to a group of children about animal welfare and in fact have on behalf of my local SPCA (where I have volunteered and still do off and on). I can read aloud to a group of children. I can address a group of adults during social gathering. I cannot handle public speaking in order to present something to a group of adults. I get a sort of tunnel vision and forget things and even though I appear calm and collected and project well, I am crumbling inside.

Needless to say, singing in front of a stranger is panic inducing. BUT I DID IT! I’m so proud of myself. Also – he had me watch myself in the mirror to see how closed I was and how I needed to open up (my mouth, that is). Having to look at myself in the mirror for longer than absolutely needed is unknown for me. I am loath to see myself.

Singing lesson are going to have many benefits for me…I foresee a break from my addiction to food (yes, I really do believe now that I am addicted to food – more on that later). Having to stare at myself singing, I was so self-conscious. So self-aware. If I am to practice that way than I am to lose weight. There is no other way.

It’s time for a break from food, bad food that is.

I also see it helping with my anxiety as I HAVE to get over my fear of singing in front of strangers. My children and husband hear me ALL the time, it’s time others do as well (in small numbers).

With losing weight and a lessening of anxiety, comes more self-esteem, decreased stress, and increased energy.

I am so hopeful for this new adventure.

The only ones who know now are a couple of close friends, my husband, and – well – anyone who actually reads this LOL….I’m thinking not many.

YAY to optimism!

Time for some music…I love this version of Tainted Love…it doesn’t fit in with this post, but I don’t care – it’s just random.

Marilyn Manson – Tainted Love